Take the time to watch this.

A Nigerian feminist TEDtalk. I am American. Here people live in the illusion of equality. It is a very vast and elaborate illusion. But listen to her talk about her experiences and how ludicrous it is to be a feminist to other Nigerians. Does that sound right? Look into your own life. Do not be afraid of being angry and looking closer. Do not be afraid of pissing other people off. Be unafraid of your own inquisitive mind. Change starts when you look for and find the problem. She is a rather wonderful Woman. Take the time to watch this.

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Video

Meave

Yesterday I sat down and cried out of envy of my sisters.

Both are younger than me and I am not very old to begin with. We are all artists. I am a theatre artist, a director and a painter. My first sister is a singer and a songwriter and a damn good ukulele player and my second sister is the most wonderful little dancer. We all share a common goal though, despite our spectrum of interests…

The best way to explain that goal is thusly: Meave, the youngest sister dances with a school that goes to competition. That is not its whole focus, but there are many girls in the school who look forward to it. Now, competition dancing is the farthest thing from art that there is and in a family full of artist this little fact does not, even for a second, escape our attention. But it was Meave’s fist competition and she is seeing all of these pieces that are put together for the sake of technique or thrown together to display one cheezy wow factor like an awful prop or costumes or ridiculous “message”. None of the dances were choreographed from any piece of soul or made to express any suffering, passion, love or despair. It was all purely for the sake of competition.

Riding home with my mother that night Meave was very upset – My mother was a dancer too, a ballerina and a modern dancer with the most amazing vision that it still makes me cry even though she hasn’t choreographed in years. She was trying to pull the reasons out of Meave, as one has to when dealing with my youngest sister. Meave slowly reveals that on top of her disappointment with the quality of work expected, she was talking to the other girls from her school and she asked them what they want to be when they grow up. Flippant answers like “I want to be a Rockette,” “I want to be a dance teacher.” And other such things with not much though behind it.

Meave was crying when she admitted “Mama, I want to change with world!”

With dance. Meave is 13 now, maybe 12 when she said this. She has found her passion and I have never seen anyone of any age work as hard as she does to achieve the things that she has. I believe in her ability so greatly, so much more than my own.

And yesterday she was at this amazing workshop and she was being acknowledged in front of the whole place and was being complimented and praised. And I sat there, 8 1/2 years older than she is, and I cried because I never thought I would be as good as she is and will be.

I felt disgustingly inadequate to be a part of my family. I immediately went out and began working on a play with my partner to feebly try to reassemble my ego.

That helped a little.

I can’t ever stop thinking about what I want to be. I will never stop reaching for it. I can’t. I shut down, lose focus and stop caring about my life when I stop trying. I lost meaning when I stop trying.

So why have I been so stagnant these past few months? I am waiting for my train to roll into the station. I am waiting for that door to open and a conductor to tell me to get my ass moving and get on the god damned train. I know that sounds lazy, like I can’t do it for myself. But I know – I know when It is time. It is so obvious to me. I just haven’t been trusting that. I need to go with my gut. The same gut that tells Meave what she wants out of her life and guides her into the next move.

I am biding my time. I am playing the long game. I just keep forgetting that.

Title Optional

I know I don’t write here much…and I know even few people read this thing.

But I have lost touch.

I took a personality test last night- the Meyer’s Briggs one.

ENFP
Extravert(1%)  iNtuitive(75%)  Feeling(50%)  Perceiving(22)%
  • You have marginal or no preference of Extraversion over Introversion (1%)
  • You have distinctive preference of Intuition over Sensing (75%)
  • You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (50%)
  • You have slight preference of Perceiving over Judging (22%)

It explained me perfectly. Weird how accurate but I guess that’ the point. In the explanation it said that I get bored – I am great to have on projects and in brainstorming sessions but I get bored with small tasks and sometimes I will just walk away to do something else…This is disgustingly true and these little facts make TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE!

Hi, I’m Molly and I’m a Post-Grad.

Fuck me, man. I don’t know what I want. The directing stuff I’ve written about before is still top of my list but I am not focusing enough to get there. I am impatient and I want something to work on now! I don’t want to wait for it to fall into my lap – I want it to fall into my lap now.

I know I’m not alone in this feeling. But what good does that do me? We are all just a group of blind people in a dark room looking for the door – jokes on us – there is not door. 

 

I’m not saying that we are screwed, that I am screwed…but right now – that’s what it feels like. Woopde fucking doo – that degree is my magic carpet and I am going to ride all the way to my waitressing job.